Mohammed Saeed al Sahaf

Isn't it nice?

2003-08-12T08:07:21Z

When you catch up with an old friend and find out he's carved out a new life for himself?

Hey! You didn't see me, right!

2003-07-24T08:34:15Z

I would like to inform the US Military of Saddam Hussein's whereabouts. I have it on good authority that he is currently holed up at:

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
USA.

A word of warning though. He is massively armed and will not go down quietly. Best to carpet-bomb the place pre-emptively. Word to the wise...

Friday Five!

2003-07-11T13:26:11Z

1. Do you remember your first best friend? Who was it? My first best friend was John Lennon. I did one year at uni in Liverpool as a lad, and dear dear John and I met in the wood workshop. I taught him the em7 chord on his little guitar! This was long before he joined the Rolling Stones.

2. Are you still in touch with this person? Yes.

3. Do you have a current close friend?
It’s a cliché but the Iraqi people are my best friend. And all of the world's journalists of course.

4. How did you become friends with this person? It is all about trust, I think.

5. Is there a friend from your past that you wish you were still in contact with? Why? I have lost contact with quite a lot of friends this year actually. No particular reason, just... life. We drifted apart. So, yes, I wish they would get in touch, drop me a line, you know. Let me know they're fine. And pay me.

A bit of feedback?

2003-07-10T07:51:08Z

2003 is the year when I became a respected international celebrity, but sometimes - like all human beings! - I am gripped by doubts. I *know* that people love me and trust me, but how can I be sure? Now I can. So please take a few seconds out of your busy schedules to comfort me.

What do you really think of me?

I don't want to lie to you people...

2003-07-03T08:50:15Z

I did not get the role of Uncle Junior in season 5 of the Sopranos...

It's me again...

2003-06-29T18:40:22Z

Hello Hello. It is I again, Mohammed Saed Al Sahaf, tanned and rested after my latest holiday. Remember when I used to be the Iraki Information Minister? That was ages ago and most people have forgotten that. Anyway, it has come to my ears that there have been recriminations in some quarters that the information I presented the world with at the time might have been less than accurate. I want to make a few things clear.

Granted, when I said that there had been no Americans in Baghdad and that we had killed them all, I made (to put in the kuffar!) a complete horlicks of it. It happened because it happened. I never said that the threat that the US posed wasn't immediate or imminent. I also never said that their tombs would all be in Irak. Some of my critics have tried to put into my mouth words and criteria I never ever used. Some of what I said has been proved by events; none of it has been disproved. What I actually said was that when the time comes for Mr Rumsfeld or Mr Bush to meet their creator (in a very long time, inch Allah!), they are most welcome to have their mausoleum built in Irak, the craddle of civilisation.

I also never said in a telegram to Mr Straw of the United Kingdom that we could nuke London in 45 minutes. That was a complete misunderstanding.

Can we put all that behind us? I have a new job as interior designer for Makeover Special on Abu Dhabi TV...

The white heat of information...

2003-05-30T08:57:00Z

Good morning,

So sorry I haven't been able to update as much as I would have liked to. The job in Brighton didn't work out because of obscure structural problems with the pier, and I have come back to my main line of work: information. I have just been appointed Assistant Editor and Chief Ethical Officer at the New York Times, a very important position as I'm sure you will agree. The New York Times is a global reference in journalism, and rightly so. There have been some difficulties with young Master Blair recently, true, but we're working on setting the record straight. What is it with people named Blair that they can't stop fibbing, eh?

Impostor!

2003-05-19T08:43:36Z

Pooh.

Another day, another job!

2003-05-14T22:11:43Z

I am ever so sorry for not filling in my diary more often, but I have been living quite the life of a globe-trotter lately. Incidentally, those who read this diary may have noticed that I was listening to Dalida on April 15, long before the Daily Telegraph of London reported that I love Egyptian women. Don't wait for the international press to catch up, the truth is in here!

Anyway I am pleased to announce my new job as Chief Executive of the West Pier in Brighton! Those familiar with the world of seaside family-oriented entertainment will know that the Pier has had some slight problems lately and that the structure is not in as good a shape as could be hoped for. However, such problems have not prevented the Coliseum and the Tower of Pisa from being major international tourist attractions, have they? A few nails will have to be set, but I expect the Pier to re-open by the middle of next week, Saturday latest.

This will not please everyone, as the jackals of Brighton Pier will undoubtedly try and prevent us again from being the undisputed leaders of Brighton-located family-oriented entertainment, but all their efforts will be fruitless. Only last week-end, their chief executive tried to sabotage us on a rubber dinghy, with a book of matches and a bottle of cooking oil, but I hit him on the head with a bumper car and he sank and swallowed his lit matches, and burnt and drowned simultaneously. All he managed was to damage the paint job slightly. We are going strong!

See you all on the Spring bank holiday! Bring the kids!

alsahaf @ 2003-05-08T09:04:00

2003-05-08T08:10:34Z

I think a great big round of applause for Mr Qusay Hussein, who has done his country (not for the first time!!!) a big favour.

You may recall that a small task force of Infidels and Mercenaries tried to create some disturbance in Iraq a few weeks ago, before being shoved into the Caspian Sea by our army. Well it has emerged (although Qusay tried to keep discreet about this because he is a modest man) that a shell cracked open the Central Bank of Iraq, leaving the money inside exposed to potential looters. Well Qusay did not hesitate, he took a few tractors down, removed the cash and personally escorted it to safety in the name of the Iraqi People! That my friends is dedication. Incidentally Qusay if you are reading this could you give me a ring? I, er, need to give you your pen back. That's right. So please call. Now. Thank you.

Mansun tour 2003

2003-05-02T16:24:40Z

I am happy to announce that I have a new job as manager for top Brit group Mansun!
Here are the dates for their spring tour, already, see how quickly I sorted that.

10/06 The Marquee, London
12/06 The Cockpit, Brighton
15/06 Brixton Academy, Manchester
16/06 Eric's Club, Birmingham
18/06 Cavern Club, Leeds

A double album will be in the shops soon, although we're trying to avoid releasing it too close to the new Guns'n'Roses Album, "Iraqi Democracy".

Stay Beautiful, as the "Mansun Tribe" like to say.

I can't get arrested

2003-04-30T10:39:18Z

I wish to strongly deny all rumours that I can't get arrested. I can get arrested any time I want, anywhere. Just try and keep me at large! You cannot! You will roast in hell.

God, I'm bored, I need a new job.

Honestly, Tariq!

2003-04-24T22:16:43Z

How long have we known each other? And only now you tell me you also have lookalikes? And you left them behind when you left on holiday? Poor show.

I need to update my CV too

2003-04-24T09:41:59Z

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	alsahaf User Number: 996729 Date Created:08/04/03 Number of Posts: 8
Mohammed Saeed al Sahaf is Iraq's legendary Minister of Information. His career has recently rocketed thanks to the Bay-of-Pigs-like fiasco of the US Army there, and he can go anywhere from here.
Strengths: Mo's robust and colourful language as well as his readiness to speak the Truth have made him a household name around the world.
Weaknesses: It is possible that Mo cares too much about his job.
Special Skills: The Third Eye.
Weapons: Sharp teeth, a sharp tongue, sharp eyes, sharp entries.
Nickname: 'Comical Ali'

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alsahaf @ 2003-04-20T16:39:00

2003-04-20T15:39:39Z

May I wish a very happy Easter to all peace-loving friends of Iraq around the world and especially to my friend Tarik Aziz who is currently sleeeping at an unspecified Holiday Inn due to a flood in his modest home?

News update

2003-04-17T10:12:22Z

I am more used to briefing the press about what is going on in Iraq (and nothing much is happening to be frank, it's all pretty calm, we are in control) than about myself, but seeing as there are so many rumours going on, I thought I'd clarify a few things:

I have not committed suicide obviously.
I am considering a career move, though only for personnal reasons.
I am not considering pantomime.
I will not be replacing Professor Griff in Public Ennemy.
I will not be joining Fox News or US Talk Radio.

I hope this clears everything up.

alsahaf @ 2003-04-16T14:01:00

2003-04-16T13:01:19Z

Rumours of my death are greatly exagerated.

The Infidels are committing my suicide!

A Game of You

2003-04-15T07:28:19Z

Well things are so under control in Baghdad that I left for a week-end of skiing and saunas in Crans-Montana. I come back to you tanned, relaxed, and ready to tackle whatever Allah throws at me.

Actually there isn't much because the entire invading army has vanished. Can you see any of them? I certainly cannot. Doubtlessly they have all drowned in the Mediterranean, if not the Black Sea, and the crabs are performing the dance of seven veils inside their bloated skins.

However the leaders of the pack of wild dogs are still at large, and they have to be brought to justice. So if you see any of them, please report them to me, Mohammed Saeed al Sahaf, and you will be rewarded with seats for Saddam Hussein's birthday concert next week (artists pencilled in include the Beatles, Oum Kalshoum and the greatest Arab performer, Al-Fis Parrasli - nown as Elvis Presley to the kuffar - who is coming out of retirement specially to pay tribute to the modern Saladdin. Howard Devoto and Pete Shelley might also turn up.) It is an occasion not to be missed.
If you do not remember what little Bush and his accomplices look like, I have devised a little game to help you memorise their hideous, porcine and criminal features:

I don't believe it!

2003-04-13T23:36:37Z

Well we in Baghdad were looking forward to slaughtering the last of the US groundhogs and UK hedgehogs who had decided to terminate their miserable existence here in Iraq, but in a move typical of cowards and donkeys they have in fact missed Baghdad because their CIA-provided maps were out of date and are wandering around somewhere up in the Kurdish fleapits. Nevermind, we will finish them off when they come back down.

In the meantime we raided their supply columns and have now kitted out all our police forces and militiamen in US uniforms, which should confuse those running dogs even more. War, Carnival, Easter sale, yes Iraq is all of these at once. Book your holiday now.

Roll up! Roll up!

2003-04-11T13:34:04Z

My oh my we are busy here in Baghdad. Today is the first day of Easter sale (al-hastar in Arabic) and everyone is very excited. To celebrate the recent victory against the anglo-american jackals and ostriches (whose eyeballs Shaitan uses as a suppository even as I speak), our leader Saddam Hussein QC, BE, VC, QED, CQFD, CfdT has also declared an open day in all public buildings and in fact all buildings. Busy busy, it is! Like first day of sale at Harrods.(*) Even american deserters were seen looking on jealously, unable to afford anything with their devalued dollar.

Some people got a little bit carried away, it is true. However the government is declaring an amnesty on cancer scanners tomorrow and I am sure many will be returned.

(*) very good business at Harrods this year. My man Fayed who runs it for me will get a bonus!

Weather report

2003-04-11T13:21:41Z

Today some very strong gusts of wind caused damage to several statues of Saddam Hussein in the center of Baghdad. Many admirers of our leader helped take them down for repair, using ironically a captured american tank. I have no doubt that the statues, freshly repaired, will be up again soon.

Baghdad is safe

2003-04-10T08:52:02Z

The battle is still going on. Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Don't believe those liars.

As our leader Saddam Hussein said, 'God is grilling their stomachs in hell'.

We besieged them and we killed most of them. We will finish them soon. My feelings? As usual, we will slaughter them all. Their tombs will be here in Iraq. They have no control even on themselves. Don't believe them. Those invaders will be slaughtered.